A while ago, I thought I was pregnant.
I had missed my period and I had mixed emotions. I was excited and at the same time really frightened by the thought of being pregnant with my second child. I did a series of home tests which turned out negative but I still was not convinced.
Three weeks after, the anxiety was nerve-wracking.
I had fluttery feelings in my tummy. Certainly, it was too early to feel any movement wasn’t it? I couldn’t think of anything else but my unborn child. I began to wonder what life was going to be like with another child… Was my daughter going to be a good big sister? Was I going to love my new born more? Was my husband ready to father another child? Was I finally going to get a live-in nanny? It was a whirlwind of emotions. I gained some weight in the fourth week, which was when I made up my mind to go do a blood test.
I did not get a chance to go in for a blood test until the sixth week. Surely this was a done deal. I had even started having the usual first trimester symptoms. I waited for an hour for my results. Within that hour, I had thought of possible names for my baby, planned how to dress him or her. If I have another girl, I’d just use my daughter’s clothes, if I have a boy, I’d have to shop afresh. I already pictured the redesigning of the children’s room. Definitely my daughter would have to move back to her room to allow her younger brother or sister time to bond with us. I pictured a beautiful small round face, a perfect combination of my husband and I. I could just imagine that small beautiful face having the same dimple as my daughter…and husband. The euphoria was amazing.
This didn’t last too long as the doctor called me in to read my result.
It was a really brief feedback, Negative. I am not sure if I smiled, I can’t recall if my disappointment showed. I saw myself out of the hospital, downcast. All my dreams had ended up being just dreams, at least for now. I tried to console myself.
Moving on, even weeks after was not as easy as I expected. The fact that I was still waiting to see my period didn’t help matters. I began to imagine myself as one of those women who didn’t know they were pregnant until the day they gave birth, who says that can’t be my story? I woke up thinking about it and went to sleep dreaming about it. It occupied my thoughts. I became really cranky. I figured my husband did not understand the pressure I felt because he is a man, surely a woman would understand better.
It took me a while to ‘reset’ my brain. I had to snap out of it. I had to learn to appreciate what I have and live in the present even in anticipation of the future. God has blessed me with a beautiful family, there was no reason why I shouldn’t enjoy the phase I am in even if I want more.
Waiting, I realized is not easy. Sometimes we get so caught up in it, we forget to live. We believe the lie that no one gets it, we forget that our partners too feel it. Even though, we aren’t in control of the situation around us, we are in control of what goes on within us.
The anxiety of looking forward to a marriage, child, job, business, etc robs us of the joy of living and enjoying the present. Often times, we may find out that we aren’t even ready for that new phase just yet.
I have close friends and family who are waiting on the Lord for one thing or another, this one is for you… you are not alone. I know the wait is far from easy, I know it feels like only you understand it, I know you feel alone, but you aren’t. I encourage you to live while you wait.