#Forever…

It is funny that I started this write up before realizing that today is my father’s remembrance, it has been 15 years.

15 years without his smile, 15 years without his voice, 15 years without his hugs, 15 years without his strong hands lifting me up (he was very strong and tall!), 15 years without his advise, 15 years without his wisdom, 15 years without him.

My dad was not someone I was close to.

Not because I didn’t want a relationship with him, it was simply complicated. I however have many wonderful memories of the times we spent together. I remember running into his arms, him lifting me up high. He also used to carry me on his neck, he was really tall and I remember how proud I used to feel! I felt on top of the world! Safe and secure.

Even though I did not get to see him often, I however knew he was a part of me… He gave me my identity, I was a Durand and proud!

I blamed myself for his death.

Many times I cried and asked God why? I felt I could have prayed death away… If only.

Fast forward to 15 years later and I know it has only been God. God filled the void. He provided, He supplied, He guarded, He guided and much more (and still is). He strategically placed some men in my life who try to fill the gap. As humans, they fall short but I have learnt to love and accept them regardless.

To be honest, it has not been easy growing up without my dad. I have had to struggle with my self esteem and self concept. I relied on boys others to tell me who I was, to compliment me, to give me that love and esteem I so craved.

Of course I got burned. Had to learn my lesson through painful, heartbreaking relationships.

I am much better now. I have my identity in Christ Jesus. He has given me my own home. He has filled the gap.

Cheers to my daddy F.T Durand, continue to rest in the bosom of your creator.

#ForeverLoved

dad

F.T Durand

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You Build the Ark; God will send the Rain

This is deep… I can’t help but think of the number of times I stalled instead of trusting God and acting. God help us. Thank you PCA for an insightful post.

theearlymorningdew

Key Word – Hebrews 11:7 – “By faith Noah, being divinely warned of things not yet seen, moved with godly fear, prepared an ark for the saving of his household, by which he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness which is according to faith.”

stock-footage-dew-drop-on-flower-lily-shooting-with-high-speed-camera-phantom-flex

It is amazing how what you know affects what you do. Also, what you know of people affects what you think about them and how you relate to them. Most of us react to things based on the knowledge we have. I say this to make you understand that what you think of God affects the way you relate to Him. But what you think of Him is influenced by what you know of Him. As I have observed our theology affects our lives in more ways than we realise.

In our scripture today we see that God warned Noah it was going…

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No Longer Slaves.

Many months ago I suffered a mental illness which the doctors termed as Post-partum Psychosis.

This term according to Wikipedia, is ‘a term that covers a group of mental illnesses with the sudden onset of psychotic symptoms following childbirth’. ‘A typical example is for a woman to become irritable, have extreme mood swings and hallucinations, and possibly need psychiatric hospitalization’

However to me, it just felt like I lost my mind.

I was conscious but unconscious, I saw things that only my mind conjured up. I remember a particular moment where I saw myself chasing after my own mind! It (my mind) had a shape of a heart and it seemed to have legs which made it outrun me!! Bizarre? I agree.

Often times as I was told, all I did was cry out for my husband (funnily years ago, I would have called out to my mom).

Anyway, I went through the toughest, darkest period of my life.

I felt hopeless, I felt defeated.

Wonder why I’m reminiscing about all this?

I recently listened to a song titled ‘No longer slaves’ by Jonathan David and Melissa Helser (check it out: song).

This song lifts my spirit so high I feel I can fly! I have not been able to go hours without listening to it.

I cast my mind back to those days when I was a slave to fear. The days I buried members of my family in my mind, times I was paralyzed with the fear of death, the days I battled with bad thoughts, moments when I surrendered to fear, times I felt so worthless and undeserving of all I had…

The beginning of the song starts with ‘You unravel me with a melody You surround me with a song, of deliverance from my enemies, ‘Til all my fears are gone…’

I, Modupe have been liberated from my bondage, I sing my freedom! He has drowned my fears in perfect love, He rescued me and I will stand and sing I am a child of God!

God alone can liberate, God alone can free, God alone gives multiple chances, to Him alone I surrender. Draw near to Him and live! Live a life free of fear, a life so abundant, a life of peace.

To Jonathan and Melissa, I am grateful to you for putting to song exactly what I feel in my heart.

I declare once again that I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.

liz-i

 

 

Busy

The past couple of days have been somewhat upsetting… I have been bored out my wits at work, the business is dying slow, people around me are demotivated, Donald Trump is still talking, the O…

Source: Busy

He Was…

He was a good friend, he was always there.

Available to tend to all my needs and requests, a great listener, a believer. He lifted me up when I was down, fought my battles with me, cried when I cried, laughed when I laughed. It was perfect.

What more can one ask for in a man.

He was sensitive, he was observant, he paid me compliments, and he shielded me.

I was the envy of the world!

My friends cheered me on even though I knew they were jealous. Not one of them had anything close to what I had with him. We were the talk of our crowd.

Delving deeper beyond my emotional needs (which he satisfied greatly), I had pure satisfaction in the physical.

He had biceps to die for, packs that made me quiver, strength that awed me, looks that made me weak. His smile melted my heart, his gaze made my heart skip, his eyes reassured me, his hugs were warm, I felt safe in his arms.

Many times I wondered how lucky I was. I knew no girl of my caliber could ever score a man like this. He was indeed every girl’s dream.

I recall the times when my friends and I talked about him. I tried very much to downplay him but they knew us too well. We were picture perfect! I was lost… lost in his world and I didn’t mind.

Nothing he did was ever wrong, he was right in all things, an angel sent to watch over me… at least this was how I felt before he beat me nearly to death.

Now I know, fairy tales aren’t real, happily ever after doesn’t exist. I am alone, left by myself to heal.

**

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I woke up and realized…. It was all a dream.