It is funny that I started this write up before realizing that today is my father’s remembrance, it has been 15 years.
15 years without his smile, 15 years without his voice, 15 years without his hugs, 15 years without his strong hands lifting me up (he was very strong and tall!), 15 years without his advise, 15 years without his wisdom, 15 years without him.
My dad was not someone I was close to.
Not because I didn’t want a relationship with him, it was simply complicated. I however have many wonderful memories of the times we spent together. I remember running into his arms, him lifting me up high. He also used to carry me on his neck, he was really tall and I remember how proud I used to feel! I felt on top of the world! Safe and secure.
Even though I did not get to see him often, I however knew he was a part of me… He gave me my identity, I was a Durand and proud!
I blamed myself for his death.
Many times I cried and asked God why? I felt I could have prayed death away… If only.
Fast forward to 15 years later and I know it has only been God. God filled the void. He provided, He supplied, He guarded, He guided and much more (and still is). He strategically placed some men in my life who try to fill the gap. As humans, they fall short but I have learnt to love and accept them regardless.
To be honest, it has not been easy growing up without my dad. I have had to struggle with my self esteem and self concept. I relied on boys others to tell me who I was, to compliment me, to give me that love and esteem I so craved.
Of course I got burned. Had to learn my lesson through painful, heartbreaking relationships.
I am much better now. I have my identity in Christ Jesus. He has given me my own home. He has filled the gap.
Cheers to my daddy F.T Durand, continue to rest in the bosom of your creator.