Nearly Broken

I felt a light tap on my shoulder, ‘Dupe are you okay?’ she asked. I was not sure I knew the answer to that question. My head was heavy as I heard the song over and over again ‘Woju o…’ I was not quite sure why that particular song hunted me. I mean it was the most popular song that period and I had danced to it a number of times, even hummed to it in the bathroom but this time around, it didn’t feel right. It felt like I left a radio on in my head and there was no ‘off’ button. I nodded halfway as if to say yes but changed my mind. With a shaky voice I muttered ‘I don’t feel well and it is bad’. She gave me a long look, I could tell she was worried, I turned away and continued working…

I looked him in the eyes and said ‘I don’t feel well’… It is funny how one can look and sound well not knowing that all was wrong within. With encouraging eyes, he drew me close and said ‘you will be fine’. I wished he was right this time.

As the days went by, my mental health deteriorated. I started to hallucinate, saw things that were not there, fought battles that were not real, saw myself running through doors that seemed endless, heard myself screaming for help, cried for no reason, spat, scratched, ached, screamed, prayed. I know I prayed. Loosing my mind was one thing, loosing it forever was another. Many times I was oblivious of what was happening around me, stories told later on made me realize how lost I was.

Nowadays I wonder what could have pushed me so far off the edge. Did I not deal with my emotions enough? Am I not strong enough? Was I not Christian enough? I recall one time when I came out of the hallucinations, I wanted so bad to be baptised. I felt that it would wash away all that was wrong with me.

Looking back, I can only be thankful for all I have been through…broken

This is a brief recount of barely half of my ‘Nearly broken’ story, it is my hardest write up yet!

 

 

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9 thoughts on “Nearly Broken

  1. Miss Dee says:

    πŸ™‚ Thankful for God’s mighty works in your life. So happy for your darl. Short of words right now. Beacuse this makes me understand deeply that only God sees one through some dark experiences and he always shows up! Always!

    Like

  2. Miss Dee says:

    πŸ™‚ Thankful for God’s mighty works in your life. So happy for your darl. Short of words right now. Because this makes me understand deeply that only God sees one through some dark experiences and he always shows up! Always! And most definately shows off 😊☺😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oyinks says:

    Dupsy,

    Thanks a lot for sharing. You are so brave to share this.

    Beauty in brokenness: a caterpillar breaks out of the cocoon to display its beauty, colours and grace. It flies freely.

    Liked by 1 person

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